MORAL LESSON.
Kevin and Ryan, ages five and three, were waiting for breakfast one Saturday morning. As their mother was preparing some pancakes, the boys began to argue loudly over who should get the first one.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" she explained.
Kevin immediately turned to his younger brother and said. "Okay, Ryan, you be Jesus!"

QUICK THINKING.
An elderly man in Central Queensland had owned a property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences ( with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: (Contributed by our "New Zealand visitor")

- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All - - The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Beautiful One-liners
1. Give God what's right – not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end – God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
6. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma – but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message – His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead – It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily – walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride – he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men – you catch them & He'll clean them.
25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualities the called.

QUOTES & COMMENTS:
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and before you realize what's wrong with it.

A legal firm sent flowers to an associate upon the opening of new offices. Through some mix-up the card which accompanied the floral piece read "Deepest Sympathy." When the florist was informed of his mistake, he let I out a cry of alarm. "Good heavens," he exclaimed, "then the flowers that went to the funeral said, "Congratulations on your New Location."

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks On the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Don't let worry upset you. Let the church help.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

A ninety-year-old woman, a priest's mother, was taken to the hospital with a number of physical problems. Her son visited her and tried to cheer her up by saying, 'Now, Mum, don't worry - you are going to be home in a few days.' She replied brightly, 'Oh, I know that. Just don't know which home.'

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered '39 and holding'.
Johnny thought for a moment and then said
'And how old would you be if you let go?'!!

We should be less concerned about making churches full of people and more concerned about making people full of God.
- C.Kirk Hadaway & David Roozen, The Christian ministry.

The youngster brought home a report card heavy with poor grades. His mother asked, 'What have you to say about this?' The boy replied, 'One thing is for sure, you know I ain't cheating.'

Jesus' Mother's name
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, 'what was Jesus' mother's name?' A child answered, 'Mary.' The teacher then asked 'And what was her husband's name?' Another child answered, 'The Verge.' Confused, the teacher asked, 'Where did you get that?' The child replied, 'You know, they are always talking about the Verge 'n Mary.' !!
 

Here's some food for thought ......
One evening an old Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said 'My son, it is between two wolves.
One is Evil. That one is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion & faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf wins?'
The old Indian simply replied, 'The one you feed.'

Chinese Jews
When the waiter came by, Al said "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said "No sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked
"I will check again sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was gone, Sid said "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews but no one ever hear of Chinese jews"

Serving Two Masters
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage from scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier" Twain replied - "No man can serve two masters"!

DRUNK DRIVING<
A priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connicticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister replies, "Just water."
The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again"

SALVATION BY ANNOYANCE
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?
The boy thought it over and said, *Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

An Orang-utan's Reading List
One day the zoo keeper noticed that the Orang-utan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the Orang-Utan, " I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there

THE TWENTY AND THE ONE
A well-worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Carribean". "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"